Why Keep the Fire Going?
As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. -Proverbs 26:21
Last fall, Nikki (my wife) found a great deal on an outdoor fireplace. We finally tried it out a few nights ago. We sat on the picnic table, playing a card game together, with music in the background and fire glistening to our side it was one of those beautiful moments.
When the flames of the fire started to die down, I went into the yard to grab a few more sticks to keep it going. The fire was important for the ambience. But eventually, we had to let it die down so we could pick up our son from his practice. We stopped adding fuel to the fire and it fizzled out. One little splash of water fully extinguished it.
Proverbs 26:21 tells us that when it comes to conflict a contentious man keeps the fire going. He keeps adding charcoal and wood. But, why? We know that it’s because he is a fool and fools like to quarrel, but I want to dig a little deeper. Is there something about conflict that is particularly mouth-watering to the fool?
I’m also using the term “fool” the way that Proverbs does. This isn’t someone who is simply an idiot. This isn’t someone who guesses “a group of pill-pushers” on Wheel of Fortune instead of “A group of well-wishers”. This is the guy who intentionally says something offensive. He’s wicked not ignorant. So, why stir up conflict? What does he get out of it?
Here are a few reasons I came up with.
It Gives a Sense of Control: Conflict allows them to steer the conversation or dominate the room. It’s easier to manage chaos they cause than peace they don’t understand.
It Fuels Their Identity: Some people see themselves as “the one who tells it like it is” or “the only one who sees the truth.” Stirring strife reinforces their sense of purpose or uniqueness.
It Distracts from Inner Pain: Sometimes people argue about stuff that doesn’t matter because they don’t have the internal capacity to engage what does matter. If the fire is roaring, they don’t have to deal with their own thoughts.
It Makes Them Feel Alive: Is it as simple as biology? Conflict will give you a hit of dopamine. Some people get addicted to this—quiet moments can feel boring or threatening compared to the adrenaline of drama.
It Draws Attention: Have you ever noticed how drawn to fire we are? If you’re at a bonfire or something, everybody is going to notice the guy who gets up and puts another log on the fire. Some people stoke the flames because it gives them attention.
It Justifies Their Anger: Someone might be prone to keep the fires going because of resentment. If the fire dies down then they’ll have to transition from bitterness, offense, and moral outrage to something harder like forgiveness and mercy. Letting go might feel like letting someone “off the hook.”
It’s Easier: Conflict seems so black and white. It’s much easier to make people heroes or monsters. Strife creates “sides” and that gives much desired clarity.
It’s All They Know: I once read a heartbreaking story about a woman who went back to a life of drugs and homelessness after being set-free for almost a decade. When interviewed she said, “that was all I knew, I didn’t know how to be healthy or have a normal job.” That can happen with conflict too. If you grew up in conflict or chaos, peace feels unfamiliar or even suspicious. They stoke fires simply because that’s their normal. If you’re afraid the other shoe is going to drop, it can be safer to provoke it so that it’s known.
It Keeps the Power Dynamics Tilted: This is especially true if the fool is in power or trying to gain power. Strife lets them hold others off-balance. It’s a tool to keep control, avoid accountability, or deflect attention from their own flaws.
The fool keeps throwing sticks on the fire, maybe not even realizing that what he's feeding is his own emptiness. But you don’t have to live like that. You don’t have to keep fueling something that only leaves ashes in its wake.
There’s a better way. Jesus calls us to be peacemakers, not fire-starters. That doesn’t mean we ignore truth or avoid hard conversations. But it does mean we don’t let our identity, energy, or control come from conflict. We let it come from Him.
So maybe the next time you feel the heat rising, ask yourself: Am I adding to the fire, or letting it burn out? What would it look like to step away from the flames and into something more healing?